endangered

Listen

I was different yesterday

I understood that by

not living today

and

since I was there not long ago

the cuts still bleed

when I scratch them

yeah,

I strived for something

ordinary

wanted something

perfect

and yet

won something

extraordinary

and still remained

imperfect

you see,

I was far from whole

of course
I was nothing more than

this wreck inside but

I just realized that

the memories I made

can't even spell my name right.

that was the first time I cried since

the last

we are more honest when we lie

Honey, I don't envy you even though I fear that I will always be the weaker one; it's not a secret that you own what I

am

and what I

was

and I find the time to grieve instead of wishing for your touch

to be softer than my thoughts

(every time I open my mind something sharp ends up closing in)

when capturing my disappointments and

shaking

me by

feeding them

you coldly press your shoulders into ribs made to break

*

I shiver when you're close knowing that you don't feel and I

bend

when you

blow

since I wonder where the air comes from

(is it stolen from me or those people you couldn't find the courage to love?)
*

and Sweetie I know that you will never be the coragous one; in times of
trials
and

mortality
you creep behind ladders and hide under corners in hopes of imitating my undeniable invisibility

*

I remember, even though I'll never admit it, those times when I begged for some comfort some stability some

hardcore protection

when you held me uncomfortably you spun me unstable and did all you could to feed my

demons

muffeled my pleas with hands stronger than frailty

*

oh no, Darling you are

cursed

when you curse me

you are

fear

when you scare

and don't pretend that you are nothing but loathing

*

I wish I was stronger and able to crush but instead I pray to your stature

- I supplicate, plead, implore -

let me in let me feel let me heal, stay,

be

please release your grip since you know that I can't

leave

you have me in

chains

so just stop holding on and give me a much needed chance to

catch

my

breath

break the surface once a while - it gets lonely in bubbles

you were caught in those thoughts you couldn't shake

they dragged you down

and pulled you under

until you gasping for breath

gave up and let it knock

the wind out of you

yesterday

-

you were heaving

maybe even suffocating under the pressure of your own hardened feelings

couldn't figure out where you ended

or remember where you started

and you took the steps you're offered

just to slip back even farther

yesterday

-

yes, you were as weak as only you can be since

you wondered why you truly mattered

what happened when it's over

that you didn't already feel

and you searched for that something

to hold you back for just a minute

- I'm sorry, you lost it miles ago

yesterday

-

inject strength in your veins

or drown in lost needs and

-

you peeled off your never ending innocence

buried it in pieces to lose the

beauty of not knowing

the uselessness of pretending to recover

- standing under an umbrella of mirages

doesn't make a difference when it's raining

and

-

you were

weak

weak

weak

-

so let me tell you

a week with you is covered in nothing but

coherent

tomorrows turning into

nonadhesive

yesterdays

there was a time when I accepted protection

I strive for the purity I lost when I let myself grow older

say, if I promise to be good, can I get it once more

or is it like a coupon in a candy store

one of those that can't be filled more than once per order?

thank me later

Fake
I can't stretch it enough
don't believe it when I say

I'm okay
'cause

I'm no good

I'm no good

I'm no good

***

and while the darkness grows and swallow I tell you nothing is wrong

I try to stay grounded when I'm hollow and I try to pretend that I belong

I function when I separate and I despair when I laugh with you

every day I paint my picture, and every night I let it subdue

And while picking me apart I can't keep myself from hating

I wish you wouldn't look so deep and I want to start forgetting

I try to throw myself away every time I get the chance to

but since I don't know where I stand I stay no matter what I do

So to save you from revealing I turn cold and start to smile

and if you try to wipe my tears; fuck you, this is how I stay alive

I will try until my hands bleed

I'm sorry that I made an impression
and I wish you were made out of eternal snow

that way I can be certain that you forget my confession

that way I can make sure that no one else will know

kind of an insomniac

And if I wasn't so weak

I would have fallen asleep long ago

sometimes I'm not meant to be silent

for a moment there

or two

I thought you might have seen me

you stopped breathing for a second

and I took it as a sign

but God dammit

no

you didn't even listen

and I will go back to being

one with the carpet

where I might even, someday belong

kick me if you wish

I am here to be played around with

hit me if you please

just make sure it always shows

and come on fight me

I can't stand this self-imposed isolation

I suffocate on oxygen

stuck in my chest

for a minute there

or two

I handed you my feelings

complete with a napkin on

a paper plate

but did you read me?

no

they scattered as you threw me

filled and bursting with excuses

and never ending fears

Come on, can't you blink now?

as I fall apart in fractions

please give me time to mutilate

as I beg for your

embrace

not overly focused

She hates it when
she's getting up
not knowing if she ever
never will
and she curses when she can ('t)
because screaming takes
some effort

not wanting all
her words to find enough
support

(swallowed they stop making sense)

Tired of (not?) pretending
confusion seeping through
she smiles through the moments
treats her pain with
-hard to swallow-
laughter and a side effect of
emptitude

And she is sick of committing to
all the wonderful hypocrisy
of always fitting molds
and moving when she walks
of masking who she is
and throwing out what she's not

she can't stand your smile
or the way you disapprove
she fears that she'll snap
and that she might step all over you

(She would have done it already if you felt it)
behind all the walls
and all the words of definitions
pages of instructions

(CAPS LOCKED to make sure you

overlook)

too blurry to uncover
when you can't even see what's
mass constructed

so she prepares for the day
when she is no longer needed
since you never read her manual:
section two tells you
her secrets
she never will.

take a seat

I wish you were as stuck here as I am

before you open your eyes you are here incognito

don't ever leave my side as you vanish and you crumble

we scream and we mumble as we scramble

and as we manage

and as we aim to

not push it

the rule we

don't ever really

see and we never really feel

on its own

tomorrow you have shattered not tonight not before that

but

prepare yourself for landing and the rocks there

and the pavement

just falling doesn't hurt

lets search for all those memories and those feelings

those notions

you've forgotten

when you

misplaced and

when you tore them

it made it hard to breathe

and don't you ever wonder when you are whole and you are better

and when you're able to

climb over all those fences and the panels and

the hatred

when you finally release it

release you

when you stand up

when you get up

when you jump up

when you stand there

on your own?

and I lighten your load (because the sun is only helpful when the day is around)

It was so long ago you cried my love and we both know that you refuse to belong
you meet all the people with dry eyes and you face all your feelings so strong
and when I tell you that you need me I pretend that what I am doing isn't wrong
you wouldn't still be here if I mattered, you woldn't have stayed for so long

no listen I can't hold you when all you do is kick away
I can't keep my features calm and I can't control it when I sway
You know that you will hurt me and I maintain that it's okay
I'm not perfect, why should you be? Don't release me, let me stay

I know that you remember when you couldn't breathe or feel
I know that you're locked up there, somewhere lonely and surreal
Don't think that you are lost there, you created its appeal
No, make sure that you control it, that you let me know what's real

if you can no longer fight it and if you can no longer keep me here
if you are scared of losing track and if you persist to disappear
don't think that I will let you leave, you have to let go of the fear
I might never be whole and neither might you, but I don't care when you're near