I'm impossible to pick out of a crowd

and you placed me on that shelf up there

the one that's reached by no one

and I stayed there and collected dust

unaware that life begun

the importance of being dishonest

"Don't be everything they

expect you to be"

you said and stopped for a while

"if you maintain a surface you can't fill with yourself

you will never stop faking your smile"

I breathe contaminated air

Say little girl, are you happy? do you feel what you project?
you are lovely and you're lonely and you smile and you are pure but I know that you are hiding, just trust me I am sure. I knew a girl like you once, it was long ago of course, she was always very friendly, always did as she was told, and even though they loved her, she knew it, as she said, she was trying until her heart broke, she was dying in the end.

Say little girl, are you lonesome? Do you understand why you are here?
you are sweet and you are caring and you're nothing but sincere. Listen, when they made you, when you were small and you were three, you didn't have the visions, the aspiration to be free. You see little girl, you are younger than you think, than you want and than you act like now, I see you as you mess it up and you stretch what they allow.

Say little girl, are you different? Are you whole behind those eyes?
you are thinking, I can tell, and you're listening as well but if you really understand you wouldn't really be here, you wouldn't have to hear this and you wouldn't keep me near. You would have torn, you would have beat, you would have crushed yourself against it, the wall I raised to stop you, you would have screamed and raved and spit. I sent a life to steal you, do you see that little one?, but you're beauty and you're smiling and you're in one piece which means that you never tried escaping, you never tried to leave.

Say little girl, are you crying? are you finally shedding those tears?
you are frightened, I assure you, and you're letting it in, don't make me push you harder, I don't really want to see you win. See, I knew that little girl, how she felt and what she wanted, I knew about her options, about being unloved, unseen and haunted. If she never left, never kicked it never ever got away, you don't stand a chance sweet one, you will always, and forever stay.

running away from my shadow

I don't care if you don't listen

I don't care if you don't cure

but don't you dare pretend its nothing

and don't ever say that I'm pure
*

there are days when I am human

when I collect and I repent

and there are days when I am broken

when I can't ignore my own content

*
I find myself igniting

feelings too big to fit my frame

and everytime they start reacting

it blisters, it burns off my shame

*

and it happens that I wonder

will I ever be able to explain?

will I ever be able to reach you

can I ever fight your disdain?

*
I am sure that you remember

all the trouble I caused on the way

all I can say is I'm sorry

and please hold me when I sway

if you stumble when you fall you are no longer graceful

the attention isn't needed
she reminds you as she passes you up
and when she spins you recollect it
repossess it
but whenever you look away she cries

and when you finally see
the picture she gives you
the fragile composure she calls by her name
all you can do is play by her tune
or you know that she will let herself go

she remembers you looking through windows of steel
of you breaking bones with
some words and some tearing
but she can no longer fight as if present was past
and whenever you say, she will leave

endangered

Listen

I was different yesterday

I understood that by

not living today

and

since I was there not long ago

the cuts still bleed

when I scratch them

yeah,

I strived for something

ordinary

wanted something

perfect

and yet

won something

extraordinary

and still remained

imperfect

you see,

I was far from whole

of course
I was nothing more than

this wreck inside but

I just realized that

the memories I made

can't even spell my name right.

that was the first time I cried since

the last

we are more honest when we lie

Honey, I don't envy you even though I fear that I will always be the weaker one; it's not a secret that you own what I

am

and what I

was

and I find the time to grieve instead of wishing for your touch

to be softer than my thoughts

(every time I open my mind something sharp ends up closing in)

when capturing my disappointments and

shaking

me by

feeding them

you coldly press your shoulders into ribs made to break

*

I shiver when you're close knowing that you don't feel and I

bend

when you

blow

since I wonder where the air comes from

(is it stolen from me or those people you couldn't find the courage to love?)
*

and Sweetie I know that you will never be the coragous one; in times of
trials
and

mortality
you creep behind ladders and hide under corners in hopes of imitating my undeniable invisibility

*

I remember, even though I'll never admit it, those times when I begged for some comfort some stability some

hardcore protection

when you held me uncomfortably you spun me unstable and did all you could to feed my

demons

muffeled my pleas with hands stronger than frailty

*

oh no, Darling you are

cursed

when you curse me

you are

fear

when you scare

and don't pretend that you are nothing but loathing

*

I wish I was stronger and able to crush but instead I pray to your stature

- I supplicate, plead, implore -

let me in let me feel let me heal, stay,

be

please release your grip since you know that I can't

leave

you have me in

chains

so just stop holding on and give me a much needed chance to

catch

my

breath

break the surface once a while - it gets lonely in bubbles

you were caught in those thoughts you couldn't shake

they dragged you down

and pulled you under

until you gasping for breath

gave up and let it knock

the wind out of you

yesterday

-

you were heaving

maybe even suffocating under the pressure of your own hardened feelings

couldn't figure out where you ended

or remember where you started

and you took the steps you're offered

just to slip back even farther

yesterday

-

yes, you were as weak as only you can be since

you wondered why you truly mattered

what happened when it's over

that you didn't already feel

and you searched for that something

to hold you back for just a minute

- I'm sorry, you lost it miles ago

yesterday

-

inject strength in your veins

or drown in lost needs and

-

you peeled off your never ending innocence

buried it in pieces to lose the

beauty of not knowing

the uselessness of pretending to recover

- standing under an umbrella of mirages

doesn't make a difference when it's raining

and

-

you were

weak

weak

weak

-

so let me tell you

a week with you is covered in nothing but

coherent

tomorrows turning into

nonadhesive

yesterdays

there was a time when I accepted protection

I strive for the purity I lost when I let myself grow older

say, if I promise to be good, can I get it once more

or is it like a coupon in a candy store

one of those that can't be filled more than once per order?

thank me later

Fake
I can't stretch it enough
don't believe it when I say

I'm okay
'cause

I'm no good

I'm no good

I'm no good

***

and while the darkness grows and swallow I tell you nothing is wrong

I try to stay grounded when I'm hollow and I try to pretend that I belong

I function when I separate and I despair when I laugh with you

every day I paint my picture, and every night I let it subdue

And while picking me apart I can't keep myself from hating

I wish you wouldn't look so deep and I want to start forgetting

I try to throw myself away every time I get the chance to

but since I don't know where I stand I stay no matter what I do

So to save you from revealing I turn cold and start to smile

and if you try to wipe my tears; fuck you, this is how I stay alive

I will try until my hands bleed

I'm sorry that I made an impression
and I wish you were made out of eternal snow

that way I can be certain that you forget my confession

that way I can make sure that no one else will know

kind of an insomniac

And if I wasn't so weak

I would have fallen asleep long ago

sometimes I'm not meant to be silent

for a moment there

or two

I thought you might have seen me

you stopped breathing for a second

and I took it as a sign

but God dammit

no

you didn't even listen

and I will go back to being

one with the carpet

where I might even, someday belong

kick me if you wish

I am here to be played around with

hit me if you please

just make sure it always shows

and come on fight me

I can't stand this self-imposed isolation

I suffocate on oxygen

stuck in my chest

for a minute there

or two

I handed you my feelings

complete with a napkin on

a paper plate

but did you read me?

no

they scattered as you threw me

filled and bursting with excuses

and never ending fears

Come on, can't you blink now?

as I fall apart in fractions

please give me time to mutilate

as I beg for your

embrace

not overly focused

She hates it when
she's getting up
not knowing if she ever
never will
and she curses when she can ('t)
because screaming takes
some effort

not wanting all
her words to find enough
support

(swallowed they stop making sense)

Tired of (not?) pretending
confusion seeping through
she smiles through the moments
treats her pain with
-hard to swallow-
laughter and a side effect of
emptitude

And she is sick of committing to
all the wonderful hypocrisy
of always fitting molds
and moving when she walks
of masking who she is
and throwing out what she's not

she can't stand your smile
or the way you disapprove
she fears that she'll snap
and that she might step all over you

(She would have done it already if you felt it)
behind all the walls
and all the words of definitions
pages of instructions

(CAPS LOCKED to make sure you

overlook)

too blurry to uncover
when you can't even see what's
mass constructed

so she prepares for the day
when she is no longer needed
since you never read her manual:
section two tells you
her secrets
she never will.

take a seat

I wish you were as stuck here as I am

before you open your eyes you are here incognito

don't ever leave my side as you vanish and you crumble

we scream and we mumble as we scramble

and as we manage

and as we aim to

not push it

the rule we

don't ever really

see and we never really feel

on its own

tomorrow you have shattered not tonight not before that

but

prepare yourself for landing and the rocks there

and the pavement

just falling doesn't hurt

lets search for all those memories and those feelings

those notions

you've forgotten

when you

misplaced and

when you tore them

it made it hard to breathe

and don't you ever wonder when you are whole and you are better

and when you're able to

climb over all those fences and the panels and

the hatred

when you finally release it

release you

when you stand up

when you get up

when you jump up

when you stand there

on your own?

and I lighten your load (because the sun is only helpful when the day is around)

It was so long ago you cried my love and we both know that you refuse to belong
you meet all the people with dry eyes and you face all your feelings so strong
and when I tell you that you need me I pretend that what I am doing isn't wrong
you wouldn't still be here if I mattered, you woldn't have stayed for so long

no listen I can't hold you when all you do is kick away
I can't keep my features calm and I can't control it when I sway
You know that you will hurt me and I maintain that it's okay
I'm not perfect, why should you be? Don't release me, let me stay

I know that you remember when you couldn't breathe or feel
I know that you're locked up there, somewhere lonely and surreal
Don't think that you are lost there, you created its appeal
No, make sure that you control it, that you let me know what's real

if you can no longer fight it and if you can no longer keep me here
if you are scared of losing track and if you persist to disappear
don't think that I will let you leave, you have to let go of the fear
I might never be whole and neither might you, but I don't care when you're near

grounded

and I retreat all together

because today is not enough

"why does no one laugh?" I ask, "I need it in order to mend"

"how can we laugh?" you whisper as I follow

"you are in the land of the mute, my friend,

we are all hollow"

always an addition after all affirmation

Better borrow balance between

culminating catastrophies. Can't count consisting

dangers! don't delay

- evil exists . End every eager

fight for forgiveness.

Get going!

Hell has hatred

in itself, its inner

just

keeps knocking,

life's literally lost. Leave!

My mind might

not necessarily

open.

Pass people protesting promptly. Put

querimonies

right really rapidly. Remember,

souls steal strength, suck

trust through the

unbalanced

vices

we welcome when we want

xenagogues.

Yronne! You're

zero.

it is all stunning when you make it

In our memories we are one

no longer separated by the lies we're entwined in

solid as rock
(do you remember breaking them?)
yes I recall our complete happiness,

bright shiny days

(constructed but who cares?)

slipping the world out of our minds while making it up from scratch

Out of cardboard and pixiedust

our walls are raised and painted

I remember finishing them during the latest set of

games we played

(don't worry, you will recall it too)

You smile, I can see it even though your not around,
we no longer need ourselves to live
(we are all manufactured)
And even though the picture is pretty we can't leave it there and you call it
pulchritudinous
remember?

as I breathe I vanish

Moving along,
past excuses, past all the wanted,
the needed, the sorrow
leaving the darkness, the steal and the stone
Drifting between it,
between them who strangle
between all the air that in boxes can't escape
Counting the daylight,
the memories, the epiphanies
counting and labeling to keep up
put
out
Speeding in vacuum,
to pass them, to stay there
behind
Piecing together
the wrong way, the right way
while asking what's left when everything seems right
They pick up, they fold up
excuses, exceptions
lap up your words as you pour them out
never stopping
always standing,
not stepping but we just never
give in and we
stop to
move along

guilty as charged

the t (h)orn -s-

are unwanted
get rid of them now

let's not get hurt

in their presence

inclined to fail

the distance is barely there

a conscious attempt to

what?

separate

but the miles are real

and the trip is made

home?

there is none

anymore

my permanent solution

and I sketch my outline

with crayon and chalk

to pretend it's all undone

when I walk through my rain

and hide where it's grey

all they can see is my handcrafted sun

skin

She can't see it anymore,
what she always desired
her throat is still sore
her mind always tired

standing on her scales
she is not what they need
they call her tough as nails
she uses them to bleed

Staring at her mirrors
hiding what is wrong
focusing on errors
trying to be strong

She knows she always fails
but refuses to give in
it's all in her details
and she is dying to be thin

spinning unbalanced

STOP

let her off, it's all way too fast

stop procrastinating

end the ride

she can't stand (it) anymore

walk the line

I am tired

exhausted

fed up with it all

I rant and complain

we will always stay small

agreeing

nodding

I can feel your consent

we're not exactly the same

but we are to a certain extant

Listen

just trust me

I have thought of it all

kick off your shoes at the door

and take my hand as we fall

self-explanatory

and I remember when you told me

that I take up too much space

no matter what they say

I will

waste away

yes I am done with these lies

there is nothing more to say

I might be here today but

I will

waste away.

under pressure

If I felt (us) long ago I am no longer able to care because I can see you where you are now

broken

and I smile as you're gathering the pieces no longer there

I'm sorry

but I have to admit it you were perfection when still whole and kicking you away is too fulfilling - too gratifying to let go

I'm sorry,

could we please rewind? let's watch it all in slow motion - you figured you would outlast you would still stay strong but after blows and hits and all that breathing I can't even count you anymore

I'm sorry,

did I lose you? I never really cared and you mentioned how I swayed so I will be the first to say you can't mend what's not complete and the pieces in my pockets are nowhere to be found
they will stay there till you beg me and when you do I will deny

I'm sorry,

do you mind? please move out of my way since it's all a part of the game
my love
we are all just parts of ourselves.

reflections are superfluous

Stop dead in your tracks

don't take me for granted,

I know that I have figured you out

not too frigid in myself to sence that

the coldness you convey is all a facade

a montage of the years you

breathed without living

- lived without breathing -

simply moved between moments

until your presence was enough

yes, I cracked that frontage

- why did it take me so long? -

there are no longer dreams or ambitions

you are empty, so lifeless,

filled with nothing of your own

not merely blank but

solid in yourself

without tears behind your sorrow

crying laughter as you leave

where did you lose you?

I will never know

and when you walk by my side

closing in on my presence

perplexed by stepping in front of yourself

your hollowness chokes my

emotions to death

we might never notice or fear it or care

but tomorrow we will both be

shadowless

locked up and ready for battle

Frail?
you know, it is not up to them; so close the doors
lock them tight now
just deal with the fear, let your pain seep through it all

but don't forget:
hide it before they notice

Fragile?

listen to me, don't let them see it, they don't want to hear

cover their ears

as you rip and as you tear and as you cut yourself apart

but above all listen to this:
they can't stop you unknowing

Fake?

you're stuck and you can't run away, truth is

the train left at twelve

so you vanish into what? into nothing as you fall
trust me when I say:

surrender is easier when you are on your own

talking myself into it

because no one cares about what is already tarnished

leave it to yesterday

to mend what started out as unbroken

don't let tomorrow

be a part of today

they are all ensanguined

we are all different

they say

as they pass their misused mirrors

as they fold their imbrued hands

in this creation, this mutation

misconceptionally called

a fair civilization

we are all equal

they say as they place

the pieces of us broken

in tendentious corners

in different colored boxes

in jars labeled "exceptions"

we are all enemies

they say

or we see it in their eyes

fold at predestined lines

and take it as they hit

we stumble

as they force
we kneel

as they push

and we will never be the same
after meeting ourselves
in the reflection
they call
truthfully
honestly
unfortunately

you

ominous signs under ill-boding skies

all I ask for is a little reprieve

don't let me break before dawn

Ursäkta, I'm sorry, förlåt

I don't think you know

how much

I regret

meeting you

seeing you

for the first

time

the only

moment

that sealed

it all

a deal

I can't run away from

and I swim in

acid to

waste away

from

your reality

so you can

continue without

me

my memories

which only

distract

I beg for your shoes

or bare feet

if you will

to step all over

what I have

become

to crush

and stop

me from

us

I am not a part

of it

anymore

in a group of two you are

them both

and I am the

cloud in the

lower left

corner

the wonders we

created

are left

up to you

maintain them

before

I

they

we

suffocate

until we all realize

what I saw long ago

I do not belong

a lesson in Swedish(ness)

I will be completely honest with you
and tell you some of the truth
about what I am and have been going through
most of the years of my youth

My days are always very long
and pass in dazing slow motion
there is this feeling that I don't belong
and an urge to kill that emotion

And at night, when hidden of course
during the time when no one sees
I break my skin with insistent force
attempting to put my mind at ease

When I finally bleed from severed wrists
and the tension slowly subsides
when life as I know it again persists
the fatal thought reluctantly complies

I carefully put down the blade
that scared most of my fears away
not worried by the wounds it made
but by the thought of living another day

And yes, sometimes I do wish for
a solution that isn't temporary
I wonder if I ever will demand more
than a break from the ordinary

but right now the weeks go by
and they slowly add up to years
all I do is hold on to that good bye
until I can drown myself in my tears

imminent danger without evident force

moments attack

yes

they suddenly

sneak up behind your back

(climb up your spine as I see them)

and you feel them

pass without a sound

but still alarmingly loud

(and you scream as I cover my ears)

to forget

you always forget

we were so close yesterday

didn't you

couldn't you

wouldn't you see it?

(maybe it was your turn to cover up?)

and close to my breaking point

that extra special

god damn point

(note taken)

where your intentions

widely spread

much like my legs

when not entwined

(it could have been erotic if we were alive)

what do we make of this

falling sensation?

this hybrid

tension

in the creation they call

wonderful,

blissful,

remarkable,

(bulletproof)

beautiful,

life

as we live it

(as we die it)

as we feel it

slip away

insight

it's the beauty in life

that makes you wonder

it makes you ask

unwilling to grasp it

understand

that makes you

shut your eyes

at least

question

(why not

poke them out when you

are at it?)

that

makes you turn away

refusing to believe

that it will be there

when you turn back

360 degrees

and

not a sound

or a voice

not a whisper

that can stand

your presence

the essence

we all waste away

under skin

made

out of steel

- satin would rip -

and the spark

that was there

no longer

hurt

when you touch it

when you crave

the pain it delivered

long ago

that

beauty in life

makes it so much harder

when you see

there is nothing you can do

to measure up

measure it

and

until the opposite is proven

I will not change my mind

we are all

failures

on the inside

six feet under

and still only scratching the surface

I will wait until you fade

why aren't you where you belong?

stay upright

Don't let your pride overtake

overrule

it's tempting

(you're perfect

we all know)

when you actually belong

but let me tell you

when you falter

when you fail

the fall will not just hurt

it will destroy

Entangled

two parts of me

and

one pinch of her

delete me

both parts

and make sure to get me

out of the sun before

I burn

not so tempting after all

the grass might be greener on your side,

but

I have to admit

I have always preferred

pavement.

priced possession

tomorrow
you'll turn around
not aimlessly
as it will seem
no casually

knowingly

(I never see you sway)

no

tomorrow
you will turn around
more dreamingly
than it will seem
so lovingly

longingly

(I listen to everything you say)

yes

tomorrow
you will turn around
more mindfully
or so it will seem
so peacefully

masterfully

(only you can make me obey)

oh

tomorrow
you will turn around
and greedily
that's how it will seem
so mindfully

thoughtfully

(when I asked you what you pay)

and

yesterday
you turned around
and doubtfully
you know it seemed
so painfully

hatefully

(you swiftly walked away)

oh the irony

Sometimes you need more than a camouflaged exterior

to truly fit in

predictions are not meant to be accurate

I might be

Awake

but

I'm drained

not

Abandoned

yet

but

not as

Intense

no

strongly

turned away

and I long for

the freedom you

hand me

you give me

you let me

feel

when I

hate

and

you let me

see when I'm

blind

you're addiction

embodied

and where you are

I am

when you call

I hear

don't you dare

leave my side

don't you dare

listen

to them

to those

who care

yes,

I'll die

I'll vanish

I'll fade

fade

fade

but

yesterday

was the day

when

I cared